Sabrina - The Great Friend

Sabrina is such a darling. She passed me the number of this tuition agency, which pays quite well. On top of that, she willingly offered me another (relief) position last Saturday at a local primary school. Just for being there for only 3 hours, I have earned $74. Not that bad. She is so cute!

She's actually a very sweet girl. But it's just that she can get a bit too opinionated that it can be rather pretty annoying. Heheheheehe...Sorry Sab. But overall, she's great. I can see that she can be one of those friends whom you can trust in times of crisis. She kept reminding me to apply for NIE with her. (I finally sumbitted it yesterday. AT LAST!) It would be pretty cool if I can get in NIE with her. She is quite a fun person to be with. But if NIE rejected me (again), that's alright, I guess. I can always concentrate on my early childhood teaching first.

Audition ME!

Today was the second day of the audition conducted by ChannelNewsAsia. It was held just outside Wheelock Place. I saw a lot of "spectators" but the response was not as great as I thought it would be. But that's the good thing. Anyways, I did go through the auditions eventhough I initially did not want to. But Fyzeal was forcing me to do so and he even printed out an extra copy of the application form for me (awwwww, so shweeeet). What the heck, I just gave it a shot.

Fortunately, it went pretty fast and from my perspective, I did well. Hehehehehehehe... It was very confusing and nerve-wrecking when the lights were all on me and I had just one whole minute to impress the judges. We did the shoots at the same time but separately. He was just beside me. He said my speech was clear and I was not going too fast.Hehehehehe...He was good as well. He even prepared a speech for the audition! (some people are just born with such talents and passion). He did not use the script provided. Fantastic!But by the end of it, we were both bloody glad it was over.

Frankly, I am really not hoping for anything to happen out of this audition. I mean, it would be a blessing should I get chosen but if I'm not, I won't be disappointed. It happens. You can't have all the good things at one go, rite? Gotta save it for later,rite?? d;D

The above picture is Fyzeal, a good guy friend of mine. He is so vain!!! More vain than yours truly. Oh well, he is not given the title of Mr Personality (Elite Manja Ria 2004) for nothing, you know. I gotta say he does look good and very photogenic as well. Fyzeal, if you are reading this, this will be the last time you hear such nice words that I am saying about you. I shall not repeat this! Hehehehehehehe....

Rule 8: What You Make of Your Life is Up To You

Astaghfirullah

Subhanallah

Being angry and suppressing such negative emotions is not going to make things any better. It is really amazing at how ALLAH can help me to feel reassured, calm and at ease whenever something horrible happened.

I have finally come to Rule 8 of the book I am currently reading right now, which is titled If Life is a Game, These are the Rules by Cherie Carter-Scott.

This rule provides lessons on responsibility, release, courage, power and adventure. I have only read on the first two.

I have to start taking responsibility of my life. This is my OWN life. No one can live it except me. No one can tell me what to do except me. I have been experiencing these feelings since forever. I always thought that being with someone else, either a friend or a boyfriend. will make me whole. I believe that that is my problem. This theory of mine is really not helping me become a better person. Instead, it is hampering my growth. This is when the art of realising comes in. I must learn to let go as that is the key to happiness.

I have to let go of the theory that I need to (always) be with someone in order to make my life more enjoyable and more fulfilling. My life is fantastic as it is. I do not need anyone to make me feel better about myself. The ball is on my court, so to speak. The decision lies in my hands - not in the hands of some other individual.

Yes, it does hurt and can be a little demoralising when you are always without anyone to go out with. But seriously, that is a speck of dust as compared to my blessings and the better side of my life, which I have unconsciously chosen not to acknowledge all this while.

But life is not about going out with a group of friends all the time and being popular with the opposite gender and all (eventhough it would be great should that happen). I have to admit that those "possessions" do sound good. But it is not everything. I have wasted so much of my youth, wanting to be a part of something or someone. I searched high and low for the someone to "cling" on to. But I must stop this. It is ruining my life. I must appreciate what I have presently. Once it is gone, I might never be able to have it back.

I will make it a point to identify at least one good thing that I have done for the day and one thing that I am grateful for each day. I am making it a point to do so every time I make an entry - starting from now.

I am grateful for being able to afford to eat at restaurants anytime I want. (I am expecting my pizza to be delivered anytime soon. Hehehe) I am grateful for the good salary that I withdraw each month, which in turn enables me to finally purchase my own things using my hard-earned money.

I did not vent my anger out on Kakak eventhough I was really burning inside just now. I chose to control my emotions and give her the respect she deserves. I could have brushed her off but I chose not to do so because she does not deserve the cold treatment.

JUST PLAIN ANGRY!

I am so angry!! Angry at everyone!!

Today is a public holiday. I asked Kakak out today but she said she wanted to do some sewing for her wedding. Then I asked Aiza out which I I already brought up during the week. But she do not want to go as well.

I FEEL SO LOW!

Aiza asked me if I was angry and I answered "No." But I knew the real answer to that.

I am confused. We can really get along with each other on the telephone or when in school. However, whenever I asked her out, she do not seemed to want to. Am I that boring???

I will not cry. Why do I always have to go through this??? Why am I always caught in such a situation???

I feel so pathetic at times like this.

I have to take reponsibility of my life. I must! It is time I change. Change my mindset and alter the level of dependency which I am always placing on another. This can't go on.

But I can't help feeling angry!!! Angry at Aiza, at Kakak, at life and at myself. ANGRY! JUST PLAIN ANGRY!

ARGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a dream

This is unbelievable. This is actually my second time doing this particular entry. I was not sure what I did the previous time but everything was gone in a split second.

Anyways, it was 7.25am when I first did this entry. I wanted to go back to sleep but I just could not get my eyes shut. My mind is still warming up but I can remember the dream I had.

I dreamt about my kids at ETP. It was like as if someone rewound my thoughts and replayed the moments I had at ETP which I truly enjoy. The feelings and the emotions made it almost real. In my dream, I saw Ryunosuke, Rei, Chihiro etc. I am amazed at how attached I feel to the kids. I kept wishing that I can rewind to the 3 weeks that I had but I can't do that. So I chose to learn whatever I can from the experience.

I have learnt that the power of a simple touch can have such amazing effects. I felt so complete and loved when Ryunosuke voluntarily grabbed my hand and wrapped it around him while he was on my lap. Eventhough I was hugging him, I could feel the sense of warmth and love towards him. I felt loved because there is another human being, who is not my flesh and blood, who willingly craves for my attention. I always had the idea that I can never handle and portray love and care for children as Kakak but I was wrong. I could do just the same or even more.

I have learnt that the art of letting go of someone you love is actually a form of healing. I must accept the fact that no matter how much I care for the children, at the end of the day, they have their own parents who love them even more. They are mine only when in school. I must also accept the fact that these kids will have to leave me one day, either to go to formal schools or they might migrate to another country. I must be able to easily adapt to these sort of changes. No doubt the kids will leave me one day but that is not an excuse for me to ever stop loving and caring for them.

The moments I had with the kids at ETP shall never be forgotten but I must move on. I hope to find and spread the same kind of love and trust to the kids at my first official childcare centre. Now it is their turn to have a piece of me. This is also an opportunity for me to learn and grow as an educator for the benefits of the kids. It is all for the kids, all for them.

Unsent

Dear Nisha,

How are you doing? It's been ages since we last went out and chill together. Frankly speaking, I do miss spending time with you.

In the past, I always had this idea that we will stay best friends for life. Nothing can ever break us up. Not even boys. NOTHING! I used to have this idea that our friendship was THAT strong. All the time, I see other friendships crumbling down when the two best friends do not see each other for a long time or when one of them is attached. I used to strongly believe that you and I can still spend some time together eventhough we are not in the same schools or even when one of us is attached. I really do believe that. Maybe because I was naive. Or maybe I was afraid. I was afraid to be alone. I was afraid that I will have no-one if you are not my friend. I was afraid that I will have no-one to call up when I feel low. I was afraid of being friend-less.

I had so much hatred for you. Your life seemed to be going great. You have been accepted to take BA in Education, you have someone who loves you very much, you are still attractive to the opposite gender eventhough they know that you are in a relationship. I had to put up a brave front in order to hide my insecurities. I know that you truly deserve all those goodness (considering what you went through when you were younger). But a part of me still...hate you. I apologise for having such evil feelings for you but my emotions got the better of me.

Years go by and we are getting further and further away from each other. But I am changing. I have made a choice to change my life and my perception on life. I have realised that nothing lasts in this world except ALLAH. I am learning to love but at the same time, I am also learning to let go of some of the things that I love. I am learning to be independent. I do need a shoulder to cry on at times but for most of the time, I have no-one else but myself and ALLAH swt. I have to admit that it is not an easy skill to master but I am improving - day by day. I am becoming stronger with each obstacle that comes my way.

So if you ever get to read this, I just want to say that I miss you a whole lot and I am hoping for the day when we can meet and do some catching up. It is not that I have never asked you out. I have but I guess you are really busy. I understand that. It makes me happy to know that you are doing the things that you've always wanted to do. (Now, I really mean it when I say I am happy for you.)

Have a nice life, best friend.

Sighs. Something that Nisha will never ever get to read. A letter that will be left...unsent.

Blessed Souls

ALLAH has blessed me & my whole family with nothing but greatness.

Last month, I was prepared to receive only half of my pay because I took a pretty long unpaid leave of 3 weeks in order to do my practicum. However, come 28/March, I realised that I received more than usual because the pay for that month was inclusive of some bonus thingey. Alhamdullillah. I was ecstatic! At least, I could pay off whatever debts I owned and still had some cash for savings.

Then Kakak informed us yesterday that she received around 1.5% for her bonus as well. She really could use some extra cash for her new home, the wedding etc. Happy for her. She deserve it.

Abang has just been promoted to Section Manager and his pay is very high now. Alhamdullillah. Kak Arfah is also pregnant. Rezeki Athirah (Insya Allah, that's the name Abang will be calling his lil baby.) They have been craving and trying for a child for about 5 years and syukur alhamdullillah, they have been granted one and simultaneously, the promotion that Abang has been given.

Another blessing that has been given to me is the teaching offer that I have readily accepted. I waited so long for this opportunity. I rejected so many other offers because either the pay was too low or it was just too far for me. But now, I will paid an amount that is the highest for an inexperienced teacher like me. (according to the child care market) Alhamdullillah.

Besides that, I have also been granted a complete physical outlook. I do not have any handicaps. But I can get pretty ungrateful at times. I am always comparing my looks and my life (in general) to others. I must stop doing that in order for me to live a happier and more fulfilling life.

I need to change my outlook on life. I do not want to waste the balance of my life like how I have wasted my teens. I used to care sooo much about what others would think of me. I live for their acceptance. Boy, was I miserable. But not anymore, I do not want to let my life go down the drain just so others will like me. I will change..for the better.

On the topic of looks, I took the snapshot below last Tuesday night. Hehehehehehe... Pretty cool...

Blogging madness

I had this thought yesterday while I was walking home from school.

Should I really "pen" down all my thoughts into my blog? Am I really willing to let the whole world knows what I thinking?

I mean, my mind is constantly generating ideas and concepts. Good or bad? It really just depends on what they are. But seriously, am I willing to let the whole universe knows about my deepest darkest thoughts?

Thoughts like how I really, truly feel about my boss or about some other individual who seems to have a life that is almost perfect? Maybe a friend of mine who never fails to irritate me with her sarcastic remarks.

On the flip side, I believe that I should use this opportunity to pen down my thoughts (negative AND positive ones) BUT view from the other side -the positive side. Am I making sense here? I mean, I do believe in letting out your frustration and all but I also do believe that the grass is greener on the OTHER SIDE d;D

68 days and counting..down..

Starting from this Wednesday, 23rd March up to 28th May, I have exactly 68 days till Kakak's wedding. I have intended to lose some extra pounds. I am targetting to lose exactly 3kg and shed 4cm off my waist.

I feel that due to my extra weight, I am getting lazier by the day. I am always lethargic. I get headaches frequently and I am always short of breath. I have to shed off some excess baggage in order to be more healthy. I have to.

Once I start teaching, I will need to keep up with the children. They are defintely going to have more energy than me. What kind of a teacher would I be if I cannot even stay awake? Nowadays, I am always feeling sleepy. And most of all, I feel so demoralised (most of the time) when I cannot fit into my clothes.

Seriously, I have to get my intentions right. Stated below are the reasons why I need to work hard towards my healthy weight.

1) Save money - My pay will be slightly lower than me current salary. Therefore, I will have to cut down on my expenses and clothes make up the majority of my expenditure. By losing some extra pounds, I can borrow Kakak's clothes and even buy the cheaper, smaller sized clothings. As much as I hate to accept this fact, the clothes shops in Singapore are biased (most of them). The clothes that they sell are soooooo tiny. The ones that I can fit are usually the more expensive ones. ARGH! Therefore, by losing more weight, I can buy cheaper clothes.

2) Health reasons - Like I said earlier, I am always feeling so lethargic, impatient, get headaches etc. I onviously need to exercise in order to lose weight. When I exercise, endorphins are released. Therefore, I will become happier, more active and full of zest for life!! Hehehehehe..

Therefore, I need to get hold of an exercise regime by today or latest tomorrow. Wish me luck guys!

Singles at a library

I love taking pictures. Sal, Aiza and me were chilling out at Aiza's library and we had the whole place to ourselves. WOO HOO! We just cannot help it so we took pictures after pictures after pictures of ourselves! Hahahahahahaha...Boy, did it felt gooooood...



This is one of my fave pictures that I took yesterday. Aiza helped me to take it. My hands were shaking because Sal was laughing while I was trying as hard as I could to just maintain in that pose. Hehehehehe...But I love this pic!



The one on top here is Sal. She is fantastically photogenic. But she is so conscious of her pimples that we had to force her to take the pictures. Come on, Sal, we all have our flaws. There are so many thing about me that I would luuuurve to change.



And this is our library officer. VAIN!!! heheheheheh....but she's cool. She is funny, witty and a darn good friend.! So glad that I met her



I cannot help it but I just have to scare Sal. She was so studious , it irritates me. Heheheheh...it was just a teeny, weeny scare...heheheheh



Yes, the place was THAT cozy. No wonder these two ladies look sooo relaxed.



Something I shall NEVER venture into. A DOCTOR!?!??!!? ARGH! Too much excitement for me. What with all the dead bodies, blood and all..EURGH!!!! Salute all the doctors...I can never do it...



Aiza at work. I was pretty shocked to see her desk the first time I came. But yesterday, she cleaned up pretty good...



PILLOW FIGHT! It's been ages since I last arranged slumber parties with the girlfriends. Shesh! Maybe I should have one like really soon. Wonder how would it be like having a slumber party at the age of 21 and above..??? hehehehhehehe...I don't think it would be good, I believe it would be AWESOME DUDE!!!! hahahahaha



Relek and the more relek..hehehehe...Sal has this really laid-back personality that I absolutely adore. Whenever I am with her, I feel calm and joyful. Like I can truly show my real self.



She gives me honest opinion and point out my mistakes considerably. What can I say, the vain and the more vain..hehehehehehe...We love taking pictures. What do you get when you take a picture of two vain ladies side by side...PICTURE PERFECT!!! hahahahahahaha...

Hey DJ, where's the music?!?!?!?!

ARGH! I am so annoyed. I dunno what happened. All of a sudde, the music will not play. But I do not see anything worng on the script. I nee dthe music to play.

ARGH!!!!!!!! I know I should have paid more attention to my C++ programming lecturers. when I was in poly.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After I tender

I was so relieved after the talk I had with Annie (my boss). I still am relieved though. However, there are also all other emotions that comes along with this huge sense of relief.

These emotions include :-
=> Guilt - When I leave, Tina and Noreen are the ones who will have to work their arses off. But I have to make the decision. If I was not going to quit now, I would have to do it sooner or later. It is just a matter of time.
=> Relief - I am finally rid of SCS and all the phone calls that comes along with the job. YAY!
=> Pity - I guess ABANG really liked me to stay there. I do too. I like it a lot of when he comes over to my desk and chit chat for a while. I feel a lot safer knowing that he's there. And now, he cannot have breakfast and lunch from home anymore.
=> Fear - In SCS, I have ABANG and ABANG FITRI to sort of help me out and watch over me. Eventhough ABANG is not in the same department as me but just the thought that there is a family member so near you, it makes everything seems better . When I go and teach later, I am all alone. When things cropped up, I do not have a family member whom I can consult immediately. However, I know that ALLAH is always hearing me. Even when I do not speak.

With effect from today, I, .............., wish to resign from...

I sumbit my resignation letter today. I got a little panicky when Annie seemed to be pretty caught up with the customer visits and all. I was afraid that I might have to tender tomorrow. But I managed to do it after lunch.

We had a pretty long talk. She did say to my face that I am not cut out for the job and all. However, she did wish me the very best for my teaching career. But what I was not very happy were the times when she gave me "the look" when I answered her question (she asked me when I started to think about resigning) and how she said that I cannot take scoldings. That is not true. I resign from CCC not because I could not stand people scolding me. I mean, if that is the reason then I will be a damn miserable person because being the clumsy person that I am, I am always being scolded almost everyday. Not just at work, but at home as well. Luckily, I clarified with her by saying that the main reason for my leaving is not because of people or any other reason but because I have been given the offer to do something that I am interested in. I was quite annoyed at her reactions at certain times. But it's all over now. I have finally did it. I have tendered.

I did one grave mistake though. I actually forgot to tell Noreen. Seriously, I wanted to tell her in the morning. However, everytime I turned around to look at her either she was pulling a long face or I just heard her slammed down the telephone on someone. Then I was busy with all the stupid issues and then at around 2 or 3pm she told us she was going for a meeting. I seriously thought that the meeting was being held at CCC but it turns out the meeting was being held all the way at BBB somewhere in the northern part of SG. She did not return to the office until around 5 plus. That was when I decided to just go ahead and tell her. I could tell she was pretty upset that she got to know last. But I really did not mean it. I seriously could not find the right moment to tell her about the "hot news".

With effect from today, my days in CCC are numbered. I am part of the statistics at the CS Dept in CCC. I am part of the 7 (or is it 8?) people who have "left the building" in a month.

The weekend before I tender

I have finally made up my mind. I will accept the offer at the other centre. But I am afraid. I love teaching, no doubt about it. But I am so afraid. Afraid that I will stop halfway through my journey. Afraid that I will stop trying once I encounter any problems. Afraid that I will get sick of it all, give up and have to start afresh again - from scratch. I do not want that. I am so, so afraid. But I prayed the other day for ALLAH to show me which career path I should take and I remember very clearly what I saw. The emotions as well as the thoughts that went through my mind in my dreams that night. It was so vivid. It was almost real. I know this is the career for me. But I am so afraid.

But I have to be strong. I did it once. In the past, Aunty Zana doubted me and was always making fun of me. She knew I was weak in Maths. She always challenged me to score high marks for my Maths papers but I could not do it. I failed most of the time and she won. She was always comparing me to my elder siblings and to her sons who were oh so talented and all. Well, now at least I dare to say that my highest qualification is a diploma. What about her sons? They did not even finish high school. I proved everyone wrong once. I shall do it again! I will succeed.

I will push myself and strive to turn my dreams into reality. I will one day set up my own pre-school and work towards getting my degree before I turn 32 years old. I am giving myself 10 years to do so. I WILL SUCCEED!

A Muslim Caucasian?

I was really sick last Tuesday. I felt terrible while at work and even worse when at school. I looked pale and sleepy.I was like a walking zombie. I looked like something the cat dragged in. It was terrible.

It was the train ride that woke me up from my blahness. I was attempting to memorize a verse from the Quran for my prayers and then he sat down beside. Initially, I noticed him while he was standing in front of me. He caught my attention. At first, it was the looks that caught my attention. But later, I found out that there was something more about him. I sat down beside, after the Chinese lady on my right got off the train. Without wasting precious moments, he immediately took out a book to read upon sitting down. I stared blankly at the book he was reading while trying to recite the verse without looking at it. Alhamdullilah. I was glad I stared at it. He was reading a book about Islam. I could not believe my eyes. A very good-looking Caucasian man who is seated beside me is actually reading a book about Islam. Could he be a Muslim? Could it be because he is interested in knowing more about Islam? Is he a convert? Is he learning about Islam because his girlfriend is Muslim? Questions after questions popped into my little head.

He is a guy whom I can only dare to dream about. He used to exist only in my dreams. But now, he IS real! There IS such a person in this world. I mean, I know such people do exist but never have I seen it before. I usually see it on TV, read about it in books or from the Internet. But never met or sat beside one before! So near yet so far. O ALLAH, how can I reach out to this guy? Is he the one I have been looking for all this while? The one whom I have prayed for to be my life partner?

Maybe my friends would think I am nuts. But seriously, if he is really the one for me, I pray that ALLAH will make it easier for us to meet and get to know each other. Amin.

The Chiltern interview

I went for the Chiltern interview yesterday. Sighs.They actually wanted immediate applicants. But I can't. I need to give 1 month notice. I was discussing it with Aiza yesterday. I am not sure if I should wait for ETP or just go for the other centre. However, I have decided to just go for the latter.I will become a teacher in the centre whereas the former will promise me only the role of an assistant teacher. I believe that the huge responsibility of c teacher will help me grow as an educator. That is my main concern. I hope to set up my own centre in the future, which will have this unique blend of Asian as well as Western way of educating the younger generation. As much as I love my Seahorses and Kangaroos, I have to do what's right for my future.I shall accept the challenge at the other centre. I WILL SUCCEED!

Abang has given me a lot of hopes and encouragement. So did Kakak, Mak and Bapa. I love them all. Eventhough their sacrfices are not as big as my own, they were still affected by this change in my career path. I will excel and they will help me. I WILL SURVIVE!

A friend called Aiza

I have such a sweet friend, Aiza. Im so glad I met her. If I was accepted into NIE earlier, I would not have met her and the rest of the M-Clan. Crazy bunch they are.

Aiza is so sweet. She works as a librarian. She too uses Lotus notes, jus like me at work. We would email each other all kinds of stuff everyday. Its like everyday without fail we must email each other. Weird, huh? I mean I've only known her for a few months. But it seems like we have known each other all our life. Hehehehehe...
She knows how crappy and how much I hate my workplace. I was feeling bloody sick today and she was extremely sweet. She prayed for me. She prayed that ALLAH will find me a good job, something that I will enjoy and also to make that process easier. I feel somewhat comforted knowing that she too feel the pain I experience when it comes to work. I don't know if she really meant it. But like from her tone of voice and the way she said it all, she does sound sincere.

She is like almost THE perfect friend except....I don't know, maybe it's just me. But it seems like she always decline when I ask her out for dinner or something like that. It's kinda weird. Or maybe she does have a reasonable excuse. But I cannot help thinking that maybe she don't like me. ARGH! As usual, I'm being paranoid...AGAIN! Stop it LIZ!!

Presenting AIZA, right there the photogenic individual that she is!

Mummy and me

Kak Shikin helped take the picture of me and mum while we were in a taxi in KL. I love Mum. Shes great. Shes done so much for me. She helped me a lot. She and Dad. Such great parents I got. I know they always want to make me feel as fantastic as possible all the time. But..sometimes, u just need something else...

A darling baby called Firza

Fifi the little cousin of mine. Shes such a darling!I love her!

Baby ETP, Not CCC again...Bleurgh!

Today was officially the last day of my practicum. I love the kids so much. they were just so shweet. my heart feels so heavy to have to leave them. Too bad, I was not able to play catching with the Japanese boys. Usually, we would play catching during their sandplay time. It was great!! But today we were not able to do so because there was actually a bee-hive at the sandpit. Darn! Of all days, why does it have to be on my last day?!?!?!?!?!

Chihiro, whom I rarely talked to, gave me this huuuuuuuuge hug when Miss Karen announced to the class that today will be my last day. I was so moved by the whole gesture. It was just too much. After a while,. she looked at me and gave me another bigger hug. Oh gosh, it's hard. I cannot bear to leave them.

Oh ALLAH, please give me enough stregth to and confidence so that I am firm enough and bold enough to follow my dreams.

O ALLAH, give me the motivation to get back on my feet after my sweet slumber of 3 weeks and deepen my dreams to teach, guide and facilitate the younger generation for tomorrow.

I love K2 KANGAROOS! All of u have changed Miss Liza's life. She now knows what she wants to do with her life. Muahkz!